yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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