if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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