you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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