my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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