Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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