so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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