You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
