My first STD was from a foam party
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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