the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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