it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
