I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
