I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
