You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
