Please, let me fuck your mom
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
