I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
