I want to stick my p in your. b.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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