ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
