then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
