She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
