put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
