i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
