Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
