Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
