Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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