I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
