Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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