Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
soo... how was my night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
