god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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