I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
