I wish I only lived at night.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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