I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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