Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I want a musical about memes.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
