he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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