Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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