If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
