Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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