I think i sorta joined a cult last night
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
