You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
