Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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