My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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