every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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