please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
