you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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