This is not my ceiling
True but thats because hes a fetus.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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