Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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