you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
