I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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