i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
