I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
