I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
