Dude my mom stole all your condoms
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
