You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Randomize
