After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
