He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
