when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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