he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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