You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
