I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
