If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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