I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
