so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
