Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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